Have you seen where bloggers will publish a long list of their tweets as a blog post, perhaps as a way to capture developing thoughts as an event unfolded? Or maybe they do it as an attempt to keep oft-neglected blogs relevant in the age of the all-too-easy 140-character random thought blast?
I will confess I was going to do the same thing and post a huge list of tweets here, but after some reflection and some time for the proverbial coke bottle to get out of the sun, I decided against it.
OK, so what is this nonsense all about? For those who may have missed it, something happened back in January.
Remember that girl I used to talk about? We aren’t together anymore.
I took the breakup quite hard. I’m not sure why it hit me like a truck, and I’m still trying to figure that bit out. Anyway, in the post-breakup aftermath, I took a hiatus from twitter, facebook, blogging and all the other “public” channels on the advice of a close friend. I needed to retreat for a while to recover and reflect, and frankly, I didn’t need to be all crazy and bitter-sounding in public, but I still needed an outlet. So, instead of posting I captured my thoughts privately as they came to me over the course of a month.
I started when I walked past my laptop and just randomly typed out this thought, which then set the tone for the rest:
“I knew how it would end soon after it started.”
Then I proceeded to fill no less than twelve typed pages—close to 10,000 words–with random thoughts. Some of those thoughts might have been good twitter material, some should never have been written, and some would have made no sense to anyone, save perhaps myself and only one other.
For a while, I considered posting all those random, disjointed and neurotic thoughts in a blog post here. Fortunately, I decided to err on the side of caution and discretion. Why would I have even considered posting those things? I’m not sure. Perhaps I didn’t want to all that writing effort to go to waste? Maybe I wanted an audience to somehow validate my feelings. I still don’t know. I do know I’m glad I didn’t put them up for all to see.
Eventually, I came to realize that publication wouldn’t solve anything—in fact, it would just prolong the process and probably make things much worse. Shouting from the rooftops in the hope of being heard by a sympathetic ear was not the goal. Healing was the goal. Writing it all out, then letting it all go…that was the healing process.
So, we finally come to the point of this post. I am letting that material go. I am putting those thoughts behind me. They will not be published, except for the last few lines. When I wrote the conclusion, I wasn’t actually done with my little writing therapy process. However, I was still encouraged by the fact that an end was in sight–and there was perhaps even some of that elusive “closure” thing everyone always talks about.
The ending goes like this:
OK, enough. Let’s end this. Now. Time to stop dancing around the issue. Here is what is really behind all this writing:
Watching the one you love pull away from you while she is developing a crush on someone else hurts. A lot.
Realizing there is nothing you can do about it makes it worse at first, but it is also the first step in healing.
There. I finally said it.
Farewell, WivQ. I loved you.
Now, it’s time to get back to living life.
Thanks for reading all this, and thanks for being there for me as I worked through it.
So, there it is: The elephant in the room has finally been acknowledged. If you have been wondering what was up with me lately, now you know. This is the last time I’m going to address this issue directly, because as I wrote last month: It’s time to start living life again.