Comments on: Why Do We Look For The Greener Grass? http://chuck.milams.net/2010/02/07/why-do-we-look-for-the-greener-grass/ Cognitive Dissonance from a Wisconsinite in Kentucky Wed, 11 Aug 2010 00:41:50 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Murra http://chuck.milams.net/2010/02/07/why-do-we-look-for-the-greener-grass/comment-page-1/#comment-66 Murra Tue, 02 Mar 2010 20:51:56 +0000 http://chuck.milams.net/?p=108#comment-66 Typical for me... I tend to think as I write, so it kind of gets outta hand. Murr Typical for me… I tend to think as I write, so it kind of gets outta hand.

Murr

]]> By: Chuck http://chuck.milams.net/2010/02/07/why-do-we-look-for-the-greener-grass/comment-page-1/#comment-65 Chuck Tue, 02 Mar 2010 16:58:38 +0000 http://chuck.milams.net/?p=108#comment-65 Murr, your comment is longer than my post. Heh. Murr, your comment is longer than my post. Heh.

]]> By: Murr http://chuck.milams.net/2010/02/07/why-do-we-look-for-the-greener-grass/comment-page-1/#comment-62 Murr Mon, 01 Mar 2010 22:40:09 +0000 http://chuck.milams.net/?p=108#comment-62 Allright, I'm going to sound like a globalist nut, but I do think it's kind of American to go after the next step... I've chatted with a lot of friends from countries where arranged marriages are the norm, they wouldn't trade their husband/wife for anything. Many of them only really met after their parents made the match, and most of them are happy, since their parents know what they are looking for anyway (that's the story I got anyway). It also seems that, since they are less than concerned about what the next best thing is, they are more focused on other things we don't spend quite as much time on (but could). Their career and earning power, their skills, and their family. I also see relatively few divorces int eh arranged marriages. I don't know if that's because of the threat of shame for the family with a divorce, or simply out of necessity (I tend to think that the women in these marriages feel very dependent upon the guy). Regardless, having watched marriages from differing generations of my own family, I see that the marriages from the older parts of my family that lasted weren't necessarily less eventful or aggravating to those in them, but that those people looked at what they had and realized going off and chasing something "more" was a losign proposition. They made what they had work. Some would call that "settling", call it what you want, there is a logic that is difficult to fight in the old "you dance with the one you brought". No match is perfect, there will always be change and issues occurring, because you're not a set of twins committing incest (yes, that's gross, it makes a point). People are different, I can't say that you're going to "appreciate" your differences with the other person all of the time, that would be stupid and blind. But, you certainly should use them to understand what does the other person want, and why is it that they feel they aren't getting it? IS it reasonable? And, if not, why? These are things you would face if you married Lindsay Lohan or Martha Stewart. It doesn't matter, you're going to disagree and there will be times where you'll think "What if...?" But the adult, the real grown up, the one that wears pants that don't have absorbency ratings, will realize quick and fast, you put an investment into this. In any investment there are payoffs and losses, both are part of that game. But typically, in any long term relationship, the payoff is always bigger than the loss. You have to find those payoffs and focus on them, focusing on the losses will only make you believe that all you have is problems. Ray Romano said it best, "Life is a series of Polaroids: some good, some bad. Keep the good ones, and throw out the bad ones." Sure, there are exceptions: abusive relationships, drugs, whatever. Those are all things that you should either have possibly known about prior or be smart enough (as an adult) to say "no, I'm not having this". But again, those are the less often causes for divorce than what I usually hear. "He didn't respect me." "I needed to understand myself first." "He didn't give me what I needed." "She wasn't there for me." Honestly? Excuses are made up so that people don't feel like they failed. All of those sound to me like someone that jsut didn't try. If you come away saying that you gave everything of yourself, you listened, you said what you wanted and needed to the other person in plain terms, and you tried VERY hard to give them what they wanted (within reason), and after all that, you picked yourself up and tried again. And you can still walk away saying that you don't hate the other person, but that you just could not possibly have made a life together, then MAYBE, maybe I'll buy it. Most of the time when I hear about divorces, it's because someone didn't get what they wanted/expected from someone else (without having to tell them), or they felt they were constantly giving to the other person and never getting anything in return. Do those sound oddly reciprocal? Think about it. It really sounds like a selfish person expected life to hand them everything, and someone else was under the misled notion that life is fair in all cases. Some days, we win, some days we lose. Some days we get a free ride, others, we miss the bus entirely. I've been alive for a decent stretch of time, and I don't think I can say I've ever had a "fair" day. I can tell you about days I was up, and days I was completely screwed, and some days that just kinda rode the midline. But I can't tell you about days where everyone else had the same day I did. That's it, life doesn't come with helmets and referees. So, if in all of that prattle you can find some salient points as to why following the "next best thing" always sounds like it's kind of uniquely American to me, that's good, I made some sense. If not, that's not a surprise, some days, I'm just completely wrong. Good luck, Murr Allright, I’m going to sound like a globalist nut, but I do think it’s kind of American to go after the next step… I’ve chatted with a lot of friends from countries where arranged marriages are the norm, they wouldn’t trade their husband/wife for anything. Many of them only really met after their parents made the match, and most of them are happy, since their parents know what they are looking for anyway (that’s the story I got anyway). It also seems that, since they are less than concerned about what the next best thing is, they are more focused on other things we don’t spend quite as much time on (but could). Their career and earning power, their skills, and their family. I also see relatively few divorces int eh arranged marriages. I don’t know if that’s because of the threat of shame for the family with a divorce, or simply out of necessity (I tend to think that the women in these marriages feel very dependent upon the guy). Regardless, having watched marriages from differing generations of my own family, I see that the marriages from the older parts of my family that lasted weren’t necessarily less eventful or aggravating to those in them, but that those people looked at what they had and realized going off and chasing something “more” was a losign proposition. They made what they had work.
Some would call that “settling”, call it what you want, there is a logic that is difficult to fight in the old “you dance with the one you brought”. No match is perfect, there will always be change and issues occurring, because you’re not a set of twins committing incest (yes, that’s gross, it makes a point). People are different, I can’t say that you’re going to “appreciate” your differences with the other person all of the time, that would be stupid and blind. But, you certainly should use them to understand what does the other person want, and why is it that they feel they aren’t getting it? IS it reasonable? And, if not, why? These are things you would face if you married Lindsay Lohan or Martha Stewart. It doesn’t matter, you’re going to disagree and there will be times where you’ll think “What if…?”
But the adult, the real grown up, the one that wears pants that don’t have absorbency ratings, will realize quick and fast, you put an investment into this. In any investment there are payoffs and losses, both are part of that game. But typically, in any long term relationship, the payoff is always bigger than the loss. You have to find those payoffs and focus on them, focusing on the losses will only make you believe that all you have is problems. Ray Romano said it best, “Life is a series of Polaroids: some good, some bad. Keep the good ones, and throw out the bad ones.”
Sure, there are exceptions: abusive relationships, drugs, whatever. Those are all things that you should either have possibly known about prior or be smart enough (as an adult) to say “no, I’m not having this”. But again, those are the less often causes for divorce than what I usually hear. “He didn’t respect me.” “I needed to understand myself first.” “He didn’t give me what I needed.” “She wasn’t there for me.”
Honestly? Excuses are made up so that people don’t feel like they failed. All of those sound to me like someone that jsut didn’t try. If you come away saying that you gave everything of yourself, you listened, you said what you wanted and needed to the other person in plain terms, and you tried VERY hard to give them what they wanted (within reason), and after all that, you picked yourself up and tried again. And you can still walk away saying that you don’t hate the other person, but that you just could not possibly have made a life together, then MAYBE, maybe I’ll buy it. Most of the time when I hear about divorces, it’s because someone didn’t get what they wanted/expected from someone else (without having to tell them), or they felt they were constantly giving to the other person and never getting anything in return. Do those sound oddly reciprocal? Think about it. It really sounds like a selfish person expected life to hand them everything, and someone else was under the misled notion that life is fair in all cases.
Some days, we win, some days we lose. Some days we get a free ride, others, we miss the bus entirely. I’ve been alive for a decent stretch of time, and I don’t think I can say I’ve ever had a “fair” day. I can tell you about days I was up, and days I was completely screwed, and some days that just kinda rode the midline. But I can’t tell you about days where everyone else had the same day I did. That’s it, life doesn’t come with helmets and referees.
So, if in all of that prattle you can find some salient points as to why following the “next best thing” always sounds like it’s kind of uniquely American to me, that’s good, I made some sense. If not, that’s not a surprise, some days, I’m just completely wrong.

Good luck,

Murr

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